舍不得: growing pains of the heart

舍不得 (shebude) can be translated as "reluctant," but as the meanings of Chinese words are deeply influenced by their context, this three-character word more accurately describes the feeling you have when saying goodbye. For me, 舍不得 is certainly more than just a feeling of reluctance - with it comes all of the good memories - the happy times that have already passed. It involves admitting that life is more linear than it is cyclical, that we cannot relive the past.

Tomorrow marks the end of the semester, and coincidentally, the end of my first year in China. I'll admit that my first semester was a challenge, but the tough times were more than compensated for by the pure joy I experienced day-in and day-out of this term. I honestly think I came as close as it is possible to being "天天快乐 (happy everyday)."

But I often think too much, and then I become afraid of my own happiness. I start to wonder how much longer it could possibly last. Of course, this type of fear is unhealthy, and it leaves me resentful of change. It leaves me 舍不得, especially when I think about my junior students, some of whom have become my best friends here in Fuling. After tomorrow, they will leave this school for their hometowns, and then most will spend the coming fall in small towns along the Yangtze, where they will practice teaching English in primary and middle schools. I won't see them until January, when they come back to report on what they experienced, but after that they'll be off again, searching the towns and cities near and far for increasingly precious job opportunities.

I did not think I could love so many people so quickly and so deeply. Last semester, when I was not teaching, I was hiding out at home, spending my surplus of time on the stack of novels I lugged all the way from Hawaii ne. But this semester, I began to willingly give all of my time to them. And then suddenly, time ran out.

The more time I spent with them, the more my affection for them grew, and it has grown to the point where it is overwhelming. I am simply not used to being this generous with love, nor to being this happy.

I also did not expect to become so involved in the lives of my students - to be able to share their ups and downs: An knee injured in a soccer match, another scraped badly in a moped accident. A mother who was forced to have an abortion, another who is slowly dying of cancer, another who quietly puts up with her husband's mistress. The shame and guilt of having been caught cheating, the pride gained in having independently authored a well-written essay. The joy of singing solo in the concert hall, of winning a speech contest, of being named best actor in an English drama competition.

Their lives have become so intertwined in mine and now occupy such a big part of my heart that knowing they will leave soon really does leave me 舍不得. I can only imagine what it's going to be like next year when it's my turn to leave.

I usually enjoy thinking about the future, but that was before I knew it was possible to get this much pleasure from the present. Can life really get better than this?