dressing room anxieties

"Are you scared?"
It's a question I get asked almost everyday.

For a long while, I was incapable of having other emotions aside from excitement. Surely a wiser person would have been at least a little nervous! Now, though, with little else but the Peace Corps to think about, I feel the cocoons coming undone in my tummy.

The first big wave of nervousness hit me last night as I tried on a pants suit. Somewhere in my stack of Peace Corps papers there is a memo that says that in China, volunteers are expected to dress professionally. If you know me, I pretty much live in shorts and tanks. In fact, I didn't have any business clothes until I began shopping for the Peace Corps, and it's no wonder -- they make me look hideously pretentious. I stood in front of the mirror, gaping at my reflection, freaking out over not matching up to the image of a university instructor. Don't worry, this was a rare moment when I let my childish appearance get the best of me.

Nevertheless, this moment of image dissonance thrust me into a spiral of other doubts, causing me to question why I agreed to teach at a university, as opposed to a primary school. But I love the college environment, and I am looking forward to being surrounded by Chinese students my own age, so my insecurities didn't hold me down for long.

I thought back to a recent conversation I had with Brandy, who will be entering UH-Hilo's teaching program this summer. When I confessed that I am far more concerned about not being a good teacher than I am about being on my own in a foreign environment, she first looked at me like I was crazy, then said the most encouraging thing: wanting to be a good teacher is a huge part of being a good teacher. I hope that's true, because believe me, there's no shortage of desire here!

I still regret not having at least some teaching experience, as do a lot of other China 15s, according to FB bios. Hopefully I will be able to learn lots from them during training!